Wednesday, April 20, 2011

My Children Are Magical Creatures...

...and I don't mean that in one of those new-age, "children are mystic souls because they are so special" kind of ways. I mean that my kids can actually DO MAGIC. OK, I've never actually seen this magic performed in front of me, per say, but I know that they can do it. Because I've witnessed its aftermath enough times to know that it exists. There is just no other rationale for some of the things that go on around our house on a daily basis. In fact, those Harry Potter movies are starting to make A LOT more sense now that I have kids. And I'm pretty sure that YOUR kids can probably do magic, too. Doubtful? Here are some examples of the normal, everyday magic that my kids perform routinely, and I will bet my LAST DOLLAR that you will end up vigorously nodding your head and saying, "Oh, yes, YES! It all makes sense now!"

And now, the evidence for your perusal. Behold my childrens' extraordinary, magical behavior!

• The way that they can take a meal that I've lovingly prepared from a recipe found in a gourmet children’s cookbook and, with one look, make me instantly feel as if I’ve just served them something that I’ve fished out of a dumpster minutes before. And not a dumpster behind some classy, 5-star restaurant, either. More like the dumpster behind a place with the words "Mo" and "Food and Bait" in the name. Then I slink away in shame. And somehow blame myself. What's up with that?

• The way they can turn an early bedtime with the BEST intentions of a restful night’s sleep into a morning that requires an EXTRA cup of coffee because SOMEONE woke me up all damn night with either one or a combination of the following activities:

- kicking me
- throwing all of the covers off of me, causing me to wake up, curled into a shivering ball on the edge of the bed
- crawling back and forth from the head to the foot of the bed, flopping down every time in an attempt to find a comfortable spot
- asking for water
- rolling over and smacking me in the face

• The way that they can take something we’ve been REALLY looking forward to (like, say, a weekend or a holiday) and with ONE temper tantrum turn it into our worst nightmare and make us question our very sanity for even imagining that we might get to actually relax for 10 minutes.

• The way they can take something as tedious and mind-numbing as the book we’ve read OVER AND OVER 1,000 times and turn it into the most awesome, exciting book that ever, ever was with just a few giggles and claps.

• The way they can turn intelligent, educated and articulate adults into cavemen within a matter of sheer seconds. How many times have I found myself discussing something of EXTREMELY high-brow caliber with my husband (because, you know, that is how we roll in our house. OK, so maybe we’re discussing who sucks on Top Chef or something of THAT caliber), only to turn around and say something like, “Skye want bath? Want bath? Get all clean? Scrub scrub? Clean good!” or “Time for Pumpkin night-night! It’s sleep-sleep time. Sleep good! No sleep bad!” If a stranger walked into my house during one of these conversations, they would most likely think that I’d either sustained a deep and lasting head injury, or that I’d just finished watching a Kardashian marathon on E!

• The way they can take the most innocuous things, such as bedtime, and turn them into terrifying dangers because OH MY GOD, Skye got some mosquito bites in her sleep and now she is going to get Dengue, and will someone please take that kid’s temperature already?? Then make sure that the mosquito net is all the way around the crib when she goes to bed, ALL THE WAY AROUND!

It’s exhausting. Really.

• The way they can take a perfectly tidy house and, within SECONDS, turn it into something I'd be embarrassed for my high school locker mate to see. And she left jell-o in our locker for months AFTER it had turned into nothing but mold, because she had no idea that it was in there under all of the papers and empty Doritos bags that were thrown on top of it.

• The way they can turn an exciting Saturday night from dinner out at a new restaurant, followed by a late movie, and maybe a drink after, to the couch, followed by some TV and ice cream, and maybe an early bedtime with crosswords after. What is TRULY magical, though, is the way they will make us think that this is the greatest Saturday night EVER. Like, in the whole history of Saturday nights. Sometimes we even LOOK at each other and say, “Isn’t this great?”

There is no way that can be happening without some SERIOUS child voodoo, black magic SOMETHING going on.

So, tell me- what magic can YOUR kids do?


  1. Yup, my kids can mess up this house in seconds. It's crazy.

    And you listed why I don't allow my kids to sleep with me. Heck to the NO. My bed. I barely want to share with my husband.

  2. Oh, believe me- we don't particularly want our kids sleeping with us, either! Kaia just somehow makes her way downstairs to our room almost every night and I'm just too lazy to take her back up...shame on me, I know!